I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
