Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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