Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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