Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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