She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
