Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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