I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
