im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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