I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
