I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize