the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
