HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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