Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
