I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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