Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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