clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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