it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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