totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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