if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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