he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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