At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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