dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
