i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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