Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
