I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
