If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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