i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
