turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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