I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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