I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
