Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
