I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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