Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
