my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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