My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
