so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
