We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
