She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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