Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
