he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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