I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
