It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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