They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
