my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
