This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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