I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
