So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
