found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
