he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
