he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
