can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
