No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish i was in the wii world.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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