I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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