I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
