you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
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