someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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