New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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