My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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